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  To: Elliot Rowe

  “Chicks.” We don’t speak in clucks and leave feathers everywhere.

  Anyway, don’t want to drag you out of the house if you’re still sick. Especially out of the house and into a public movie theater (you’ve seen “Outbreak,” yeah?). So whatever is fine w/ me.

  --------Forwarded Message-------

  Subject: Re: Hey!

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sat, May 24 at 5:06 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Glad you’re back in fighting form. What am I doing tonight? Umm . . .

  Subject: Hey!

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Sat, May 24 at 4:45 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  hiiiiiiii,

  feeling slightly human again. thank god I quarantined myself . . .

  Subject: [Fwd: Re: Hey!]

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sat, May 24 at 5:29 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Note the “hiiiiii.” So. Many. Vowels.

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey!]

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sat, May 24 at 5:40 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Aww, see? Everything’s fine. He’s a human! Humans need rest.

  See you both soon. I guess.

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey!]

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sat, May 24 at 5:52 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  I know. I just feel weirdly vulnerable all of a sudden. Case in point: He says he’ll look up show times for a movie and it’s as if he just sent me flowers.

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey!]

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sat, May 24 at 5:59 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Madeline, you are the biggest book geek I know. Are you really getting this bent out of shape over someone who unironically employs the phrase “Imma be”? I know, I know, Elliot is soooo funny and sooo smart and has street sense coming out his ears. But you know what’s on the street? The Strand. Go read a book, dude.

  Sorry, I’m PMSing, hate everyone today and come bearing an emotional wiffle ball bat.

  xo

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey!]

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sat, May 24 at 6:15 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  A) I love you. B) Imma c u l8r.

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey!]

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sun, May 25 at 10:04 AM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  How are you doing? Sorry we didn’t meet up last night. All good with Elliot, though? x

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey!]

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, May 25 at 10:15 AM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Morning,

  I am good. I’m fine. More importantly: How are you?

  Oh hey, guess what? Turns out Elliot will be away in a couple of weeks. For work, you ask? For a funeral? For a frontal lobotomy? Nope: for a wedding on a sprawling romantic goat farm in Vermont. One of his bffs from college. Never even occurred to him to invite me. He just announced it like you might announce a dentist appt.

  To play devil’s advocate: it’s a wedding. Kind of unfair to ask people who you’ve never even met to pay an extra hundred bucks to cover their old pal’s new girlfriend. Still . . .

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey!]

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sun, May 25 at 10:45 AM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  I’m sure that’s it. Believe me, there’s plenty of things I think you should take personally. But this isn’t one of them.

  And I am good! A 3rd-grader threw up on my shoes this week. x

  Elliot

  May 25, 12:30 PM

  Madeline

  May 25, 1:45 PM

  May 25, 1:50 PM

  Subject: Greetings from Vermont!

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Thu, Jun 12 at 6:15 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Just got here. Cell reception kinda spotty but will try to call when I get a sec . . .

  Has NY changed drastically since I left??

  xx

  Subject: Re: Greetings from Vermont!

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Thu, Jun 12 at 8:08 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  I don’t think New York has changed too much. I mean . . . is everyone having threesomes and doing blow off the sidewalk? Sure, that.

  Headed out into the mean streets of the West Village tonight for some party in some friend of Emily’s apartment.

  Milk a goat for me,

  M

  Subject: Re: Greetings from Vermont!

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Thu, Jun 12 at 8:10 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  That shouldn’t be hard, little guys are just chillin’ all over the property. Pretty awesome.

  Running off to the rehearsal dinner, will try to call after. xx

  Subject: Re: Greetings from Vermont!

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Thu, Jun 12 at 8:48 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Sounds good. Have fun!

  Subject: (no subject)

  From: David Meyer

  Date: Fri, Jun 13 at 11:45 AM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  I think we as a society need to re-examine this whole “wedding hashtag” phenomenon. I don’t need to see a picture of the #LevyPartyfor2 table centerpiece from everyone with a goddamn iPhone.

  How’s Ellie? Just an FYI, I will regretfully be “unable to attend” if #ElliotandEllie is rekindled.

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Fri. Jun 13 at 12:09 PM

  To: David Meyer

  I don’t think you’ll have to worry about that. Last night, she was running around in a short skirt and heels even though we’re in a field in fucking Vermont and it’s cold out at night and it all just felt . . . old. I dunno. Towards the end of the night she kept saying how great it was to catch up and how she hadn’t been dating because she was trying to “work on herself right now,” and I could tell she wanted me to make a move and literally the whole time I was just thinking, “I wish Madeline was here, I wish Madeline was here.” Dunno what I was thinking not inviting her.

  Then I ended up smoking a bunch of cigarettes, so it was pretty much a loss on all counts.

  Subject: (no subject)

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Fri, Jun 13 at 1:06 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  HOLY SHIT BALLS!

  His ex is there. And of course he’s said nothing and of course that’s exactly why he didn’t invite me to begin with.

  Wtf?

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Fri, Jun 13 at 1:32 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Wait . . . How do you know this?

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

>   From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Fri, Jun 13 at 1:45 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Because Elliot’s friends have public Instagram feeds and I went down the rabbit hole . . . I did this until I stumbled across an actual hash tag for the wedding.

  Anyway, one click got me pics from all sorts of randos, including 2-3 flashes of a blonde who is CLEARLY Elliot’s ex (oh, and to answer your question before you ask it: Facebook and prior Google Image search after the first night we met . . . that’s how). In one of the bride and groom dancing, she’s chatting with him in the background. She’s a living nightmare named “Ellie.” I can send it to you. You can analyze their body language for me . . .

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Fri, Jun 13 at 2:45 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Ummm . . . don’t do that. I love you but I don’t need to see that.

  Listen, maybe he didn’t invite you because his ex was there and he thought it would be weird. Was he really going to tell you that???

  He hasn’t done anything wrong . . . yet. I think you should wait and see how he handles it upon his return. See if he mentions it or not . . . I think it might be a little weird if he doesn’t mention it.

  Either way two things:

  1. Step away from the tiny screen

  2. Leave the house

  3. Ellie is a dumb name

  (apparently I can teach my kids to number things but I can’t count things)

  E x

  Subject: Re: Greetings from Vermont!

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Fri, Jun 13, 9:54 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Heyyy. You get my vmail? Will try again later tonight. xx

  Subject: Re: Greetings from Vermont!

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Sat, Jun 14 at 10:06 AM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Morning! Guess I missed you last night. Extremely hungover but slowly recuperating with a bacon, egg, and cheese sandwich, all components of which were made on premise. Very literally farm to table.

  Bunch of us are gonna go on some sort of “nature walk,” which I guess is what they call hikes here. Will try you again before the wedding. Still can’t believe we have to actually drink at that. Talk soon.

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sat, Jun 14 at 11:06 AM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Hey,

  Just tried to call you. You’re probably still sleeping. I could wait for you to call me back but this story is burning a hole in my pocket.

  Okay (rolls up sleeves): as per your advice, I did “take a night” for myself. But it would take a more psychologically stable person than myself to stay home, knowing Elliot was probably out gallivanting with this Ellie person.

  When I left the house last night, all I could think was: “Maybe Elliot and I are only good in a bubble.” Only good in a suite at the Four Seasons. I started thinking . . . okay, we’ve met some of each other’s friends but if this relationship is happening in isolation, it’s going to be pretty easy to throw it away without consequence. This is what’s floating around my head when I leave the house.

  So. . . I go out to dinner with a friend from work and her husband, which feels like maybe the exact wrong thing to do, to sit across from a well-defined couple. I am running late and when I get there, it’s my friend, her husband, and a jacket slung over an empty chair. And unless some mystery female guest is subscribing to the menswear trend a little too hard, I deduce that a person with a penis will be joining us. These are the real consequences of living your relationship in a bubble: a reasonably good friend, whom I’ve sat down the hall from for years, thinks I’m in a position to be set up on a date.

  Then the guy emerges from the bathroom.

  His name is Jared and he has numerous artfully arranged Tibetan scarves around his neck, ripped T-shirt and the ethnic charms hanging from leather cords . . . he may as well have had a button that read “Ask Me About My Charm Necklaces!” And yet . . . he is hot.

  Anyway, we have a perfectly nice time and the food is fine (since dating Elliot, I’ve become a restaurant snob . . .), but not great and so Jared and I begin to drink.

  After dinner, we hit a bar across the way and Jared is being REALLY flattering. He’s telling me I’m some holy trifecta of clever and sophisticated and sexy. And because I’ve recently become accustomed to Elliot’s scraps, to noting when his texts don’t say “xx” . . . I fell for it.

  Suddenly my friend and her husband cut out, ’cause obviously there’s been a pow wow I have not been privy to. And about six seconds later, Jared leans over and kisses me. And I kiss him back. And we are basically mugging down in the bar and it’s strange and guilt-inducing so I disengage. Then he’s like “do you live near here?” And that’s when I pulled the plug. Still . . . that happened.

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sat, Jun 14 at 12:02 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Whoa. Holy boy drama Batman.

  You want to know what I did last night? I met my sister and nieces for dinner, and sat at the worst “pub” bar ever (your newly refined food snob might take issue with cold mozzarella sticks) while my sister could literally not complete one sentence without either answering my nieces’ questions or addressing them—“Are you enjoying Mommy’s cheese stick?”

  Then I went home, vacuumed, read 1/4th of a Talk of the Town piece, and passed out. Meanwhile, across town . . .

  Are you going to tell Elliot? Because I don’t think you should? In fact, I am going to skip the judgment and ask the hard questions: You made out with a guy with a Tibetan neck scarf? It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sat, Jun 14 at 12:08 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Would it help if I told you it was a locally sourced Tibetan scarf and all the proceeds go to clean drinking water?

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sat, Jun 14 at 12:12 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Probably not since the reason you know that is because this dude made sure you knew it . . . right before he stuck his tongue down your throat.

  Elliot

  Jun 15, 10:45 AM

  David

  Jun 15, 11:04 AM

  Jun 15, 11:06 AM

  Elliot

  Jun 15, 11:12 AM

  David

  Jun 15, 11:15 AM

  Jun 15, 11:16 AM

  Jun 15, 11:24 AM

  Subject: Re: Greetings from Vermont!

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Sun, Jun 15 at 12:02 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Earrrrrth to Madeline?

  Getting hungover self to car and driving hungover self back to the city and attempting not to vomit tequila all over this rental in the process. Not sure where you are, but would like to cuddle up with your (presumably less hungover) self tonight . . . Be back in like 5 hrs.

  xx

  Subject: Re: Greetings from Vermont!

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Jun 15 at 1:45 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Hey!

  Sorry, it’s been kind of a crazy weekend. Had to go into the office (fun) but then, in an e
ffort to squeeze the most out of my weekend, wound up going out pretty late Friday night and then deciding it was a wise choice to do the whole thing all over again on Saturday night. So that’s where I’m at mental-capacity-wise.

  I’ll text you in a bit. Looking forward to hearing a play-by-play of this wedding spectacular . . .

  M x

  P.S. I’m more of a table-to-farm girl myself. Trying to think of the matching joke: Something having to do with chucking silverware into a field.

  Madeline

  Jun 16, 10:02 AM

  Emily

  Jun 16, 10:30 AM

  Madeline

  Jun 16, 10:45 AM

  Emily

  Jun 16, 10:52 AM

  Subject: 101

  From: David Meyer

  Date: Mon, Jun 16 at 10:05 AM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  “Elliot Rowe and Madeline Whittaker are now in a Relationship.” Thought this was old news but glad you’re making it Facebook official. Also you’re a huge dork. I take it she got over your non-invite invite?

  Subject: Re: 101

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Mon, Jun 16 at 10:45 AM

  To: David Meyer

  Calm down we did it as a joke (but you better “like” it).

  And yes, she did. Basically, I just told her that I spent the whole weekend wishing she was there and that the only reason I didn’t push harder for her to come was because I didn’t want her to have to deal with any Ellie drama. But that seeing Ellie there made me realize how over the whole thing I was, and made me excited to come back and see her. And she was like, “Yeah, I actually knew Ellie was there, I saw her in a bunch of Instagram photos.” haha. So it’s a good thing I brought it up first.