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  What are you up to Thursday? Wanna come by the restaurant? We got a bunch of whole ducks in from Pennsylvania that are gonna be delicious. Madeline’s coming with Emily. Who is still single.

  Subject: Re: 101

  From: David Meyer

  Date: Mon, Jun 16 at 10:56 AM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Love duck, but supposed to get drinks with this girl (pic attached). Could come by after.

  I actually like Emily a lot, though not sure how much she likes me. I always feel like she’s judging me. Probably the whole teacher thing.

  Subject: Re: 101

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Mon, Jun 16 at 11:00 AM

  To: David Meyer

  This girl looks like she could be a hostess at an Asian fusion restaurant in Vegas, but not actually old enough to drink there.

  I wonder why Emily would judge you?

  Subject: (no subject)

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Thu, Jun 19 at 2:45 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Looks like we tapped out at 57 likes, 42 of which are from people I haven’t talked to in at least 18 months.

  Don’t really know what to make of that number, as a photo of my grandma playing golf in Scottsdale over Christmas got 86 likes. Either way, excited for tonight!

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Thu, Jun 19 at 3:06 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Wouldn’t read too much into it—old people kill it on Facebook. Old people, cats, and babies. Especially Japanese babies, which are basically the cutest living things on the planet. I basically think all babies should be born Japanese and then some stay because, hey, you gotta have Japanese people. Uh, anyway . . .

  Excited for tonight, too! Mostly to meet David’s barely legal date. Related: We need to find Emily a dude. Keep your eyes open.

  Off to an author lunch where I will try to eat lightly in preparation for duck.

  xoxox M

  Elliot

  Jun 19, 10:06 PM

  Madeline

  Jun 19, 10:07 PM

  Jun 19, 10:07 PM

  Elliot

  Jun 19, 10:11 PM

  Jun 19, 10:11 PM

  Jun 19, 10:12 PM

  Madeline

  Jun 19, 10:31 PM

  Jun 19, 10:32 PM

  Jun 19, 10:32 PM

  Jun 19, 10:32 PM

  Jun 19, 10:32 PM

  Elliot

  Jun 19, 11:08 PM

  Madeline

  Jun 19, 11:11 PM

  Elliot

  Jun 19, 11:14 PM

  Subject: Merci

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Fri, Jun 20 at 8:45 AM

  To: Emily Roberts

  . . . thanks for coming last night. Do I owe you one? Why do I feel like I owe you one?

  KISSES.

  Subject: Re: Merci

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Fri, Jun 20 at 12:30 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  You owe me more than one. Or one very big one. WHO WAS THAT SKANK? You know how I hate to turn on our own kind but . . . At one point while you were making cooking-sex-face (“Oh, is that how you whip vanilla beans into cream? Go faster, Elliot . . .”) I got trapped talking to David and that girl. Is she an actual stripper? You know she showed me what was in her pocket at one point and I was 100% prepared for her to whip out a sex toy and instead she was like: HERE’S THE PINK LEATHER-BOUND BIBLE I CARRY WITH ME EVERYWHERE I GO.

  Whatever. I shall recover from one night of vapid conversation but it’s a shame because . . . I don’t really know David well enough to say that he could do better but isn’t he a lawyer or something? He is kind of cool and vaguely non-heinous-looking. Too bad he and Fluffy the Bible Thumper had their hands down each other’s pants (IN A KITCHEN WITH AN “A” FROM THE DEPT. OF HEALTH, NO LESS).

  Subject: Re: Merci

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Fri, Jun 20 at 12:48 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  I am dying laughing.

  David

  Jun 20, 10:02 AM

  Elliot

  Jun 20, 10:22 AM

  David

  Jun 20, 10:54 AM

  Jun 20, 10:55 AM

  Elliot

  Jun 20, 11:22 PM

  Subject: (no subject)

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Jun 29 at 7:23 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Hey, so just got an email from MOMA (I’m a member) and it looks like that Matisse exhibit, which is supposed to be great, closes next week. Should we go get our culture on this Saturday??

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Sun, Jun 29 at 8:15 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  A chance to put that art history class I took in college to use! But can’t do Saturday—working lunch shift . . .

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Jun 29 at 8:34 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Ah, bummer.

  I have a work dinner Tues (blah) and then a coworker birthday Wednesday (more blah), but free tomorrow. Let me know what your schedule’s like this week.

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Sun, Jun 29 at 10:34 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Do you mean for MOMA or for just hanging out in general?

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Jun 29 at 10:49 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  MOMA would be great, but either/or!

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Sun, Jun 29 at 11:30 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Haha. K. Why don’t I just text you when I get off work later and we can figure something out?

  David

  Jun 30, 10:32 PM

  Elliot

  Jun 30, 10:34 PM

  David

  Jun 30, 10:36 PM

  Elliot

  Jun 30, 10:42 PM

  Jun 30, 10:44 PM

  David

  Jun 30, 10:45 PM

  Madeline

  Jul 8, 9:45 AM

  Elliot

  Jul 8, 11:54 AM

  Madeline

  Jul 8, 12:56 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 8, 2:03 PM

  Jul 8, 2:34 PM

  Subject: (no subject)

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Thu, Jul 10 at 11:45 AM

  To: Emily Roberts

  How were parent-teacher conferences? Awesome as ever?

  As for me (shocker) so this is going to sound . . . well, however it sounds, but: I’m feeling a strange lack of effort on Elliot’s part in the past few weeks. I’m the only one who tries to make plans these days, as opposed to what he does, which is just ask “what I’m up to,” which is infuriating (what am I up to? what are you up to?). Basically, I sense an intangible demotion from girlfriend to fuck buddy.

  Except we aren’t even really fucking right now.

  The other night we kind of flopped into bed in a way that practically felt like we should have been put
ting on our PJs. We kind of touched each other but it was half-assed and soon we were both in our separate corners. We may as well have just taken a chainsaw and chopped the bed in half. And then I woke up in the AM and he was dead asleep in that way that only boys can sleep. So eventually I got up and walked to get us coffee. And it was fine . . . but also kind of not fine?

  Then I don’t hear from him for a day and a half and then I get this gem (I’m just going to copy and paste):

  --------Forwarded Message-------

  Subject: hiya!

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Thu, Jul 10 at 11:03 AM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Hey hey,

  Just over at Broome Street Cafe doing a little bill paying/housekeeping.

  So I kind of have a work-related question for you: Is it crazy for someone who isn’t a “name” (cough cough) to try to sell a cookbook? I was thinking there’s something really cool about the concept of “Food That Chefs Cook for Other Chefs”—so like the stuff I whip up late-night when I’m trying to feed a bunch of starving Mexican line cooks using whatever’s left over from the night, or when we’re all at someone’s apartment and it’s 4 in the morning and there’s just a bunch of random crap in the fridge. So, like, things that are easily executable and don’t require any prep time. And since most restaurant kitchens have workers from like 15 different countries, the stuff we make for each other (stuff that never makes its way to an actual menu, mind you) usually incorporates a ton of different flavors.

  Does that make any sense? I actually think it could be pretty awesome, but no idea how hard it is to get a cookbook going if you’re not, like, Gwyneth Paltrow.

  We still on for dinner tonight? Was thinking casual. Ramen?

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Thu, Jul 10 at 2:30 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Parent-teacher night was fine. The parents are always more emotional than the kids. Speaking of immature adults, you need to reduce this down to its basic parts. A white whine reduction, if you will. Get it? Because you’re white and whining and work with food? I slay me. ANYWAY.

  You’re spinning. Basically he’s taking you for granted but I don’t think that necessarily means he’s disinterested.

  If you want my opinion (obviously): it’s not the no sex that would piss me off . . . it’s the total lack of acknowledgment of the weird night, the kind of nonfight, followed by the favor-asking. It’s just not great that his next contact is asking you about a work thing.

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Thu, Jul 10 at 3:05 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Yeah, the cookbook thing is killing me. Because he’s clearly giving it more thought than he’s giving us. This is the longest email I’ve received from him in forever. I feel like a whale. You know how the Eskimos kill, like, a couple a year and then they use every single part? I am his entertainment, I got us that hotel, I give him stuff to read, I have sex with him (usually), and now—oh goodie—maybe he can use me to help his career.

  When I got this, the first thing I thought was: I guess we’re not using each other for sex anymore and he’s moved on to a different part of the whale.

  I can also feel the dam breaking . . . It takes so little for me to switch the topic of conversation to Elliot or to complain about him, and not just with you. With coworkers.

  I am going to write him back on the cookbook front, pretending that he’s not asking for MY help but advice in general. Because, taken at face value, that’s what this email is. Fucking general.

  Subject: Re: hiya!

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Thu, Jul 10 at 5:06 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Hey,

  I think it’s a solid idea. If you really think there’s something to it, you should put together a proposal. All proposals look different. Basically I’d gather the meat (haha) of the book to make sure there’s enough—like a list of recipes to see if this is just a trend you’ve noticed a few times or if there’s so much information, you know you’ll have to cut. And then also explore comparison titles. Look on Amazon or go to the bookstore and see what’s out there and how it’s doing. And you might want to play down the “using Mexican laborers for their recipes and making money off them” angle or reframe it. Up to you. Then you should probably get an agent who either specializes or has experience with cookbooks. One good way to find one is to look in the back of cookbooks you admire and read the acknowledgments page and then google the agents for contact information . . . or you can also send your proposal directly to a bunch of different publishing houses. If you’re worried about not being Gwyneth Paltrow (who isn’t?), you can always start a blog—develop a platform and get the attention of food editors that way. Hope that helps!

  Ramen sounds good.

  David

  Jul 11, 7:42 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 11, 7:48 PM

  David

  Jul 11, 7:52 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 11, 7:58 PM

  David

  Jul 11, 8:02 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 11, 8:06 PM

  Madeline

  Jul 11, 9:56 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 11, 10:11 PM

  Madeline

  Jul 11, 10:24 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 11, 10:32 PM

  Madeline

  Jul 11, 10:33 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 11, 10:36 PM

  Madeline

  Jul 11, 10:37 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 11, 10:38 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 12, 11:01 AM

  Jul 12, 11:02 AM

  Jul 12, 11:02 AM

  David

  Jul 12, 12:04 PM

  Jul 12, 12:05 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 12, 12:11 PM

  David

  Jul 12, 12:12 PM

  Jul 12, 12:13 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 12, 12:14 PM

  David

  Jul 12, 1:05 PM

  Jul 12, 1:06 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 12, 1:07 PM

  David

  Jul 12, 1:10 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 12, 1:15 PM

  David

  Jul 12, 1:15 PM

  Jul 12, 1:17 PM

  Jul 12, 1:18 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 12, 1:19 PM

  David

  Jul 12, 1:20 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 12, 1:21 PM

  David

  Jul 12, 1:22 PM

  Elliot

  Jul 12, 1:22 PM

  Subject: image attached

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 1:05 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Okay something is UP.

  The other night, he was supposed to meet me at the Ear Inn and he shows up hours late and drunk. So apparently he’s “stressed at work” but not so swamped that he couldn’t have drinks with David first when he was supposed to be meeting me. And it’s not like I don’t know David—he could have brought him. I feel like that “New Yorker” cartoon: “How about never—is never good for you?”

  Subject: Re: image attached

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 1:42 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  “Stressed.” How fucking stressful is it to add monkfish to a menu?

  Subject: Re: image attached

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 1:45 PM

  To: Emily Ro
berts

  Trying to convince myself that he is legitimately busy and confused by the logistics of planning and it’s not that he’s stopped trying and just kind of wants to use me when I’m around . . . It’s like I’m dating the President of these United States because only the President has the actual schedule that Elliot claims to have.

  Though, I’m screwed either way. Because if I’m being demoted/used, that’s not good. And if he’s too stupid to tell time or read a calendar? Well . . . is that a person I need to be dating?