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Ha! I think the robe is the one thing that they do charge you for, barring ripping a sconce off the wall. Yes, I said “sconce.”
WELL. 4 out of 5 concierge ladies can’t be wrong, can they?
P.S. Yes, the robe did look awesome (especially when tossed on a chair), though now my boss is going to think my Norwegian cookbook author is a robe thief and that is coming out of her budget. Just FY to the I. x
Subject: Re: Question!
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Fri, May 16 at 4:22 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Did we just get you fired? Please don’t get fired—I’m fairly certain I don’t make enough money to support us. And while I’m enjoying bf/gf status right now, I’m not sure that taking the next step and getting married to get us tax breaks is the right move just yet . . .
Subject: Re: Question!
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Fri, May 16 at 4:52 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Oh, no worries. I can get fired and we can live off the phat of the land. “The land” in this case being the stretch of grass when you come off the subway at Houston. Or a median barrier on Park Ave. I can forage for nuts and berries and pigeon meat and you can cook it. “The Median Food Movement.” Boom: Styles section profile. Boom: Food truck. Boom: Triplex.
xo
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Fri, May 16 at 8:30 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
So . . . how was it?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Fri, May 16 at 8:58 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Okay, kind of amazing. We just played . . . well, we also had lots of the sex. But we literally bounced on the bed and ordered room service and prank called other rooms like 13-year-olds. Straight out of a romantic comedy.
But a decent indie romantic comedy. It was just . . . easy. And reminded me of why I like him so much.
It reminded me of the time my 19-year-old cat was dying. Stay with me here: my mom called and I went home to say good-bye to said cat and unfortunately got there the moment it died. So I had this visual of a dead cat that overrode half my memories of the cat when it was alive. Last night was like a dead cat . . . in a good way, in that it overrode 80% of my insecurities. I know they are there. Just like I remember the cat when it was alive and kicking. Follow me?
Conclusion: he is the dead cat of my dreams.
He did, annoyingly, steal a bathrobe from the room though. And I will, equally annoyingly, have to explain that. I think he genuinely thought the Four Seasons wouldn’t notice. They charge for WiFi in the lobby. They’ll notice.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Fri, May 16 at 9:08 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Oh hey, remember that time you compared your relationship to a dead cat? Hahahaha.
Honestly, psyched for you. I think you guys are actually maybe good for each other after all I love to see you all beam-y. Even if it’s weird Madeline beam-y.
Um . . . but also? WHO THE FUCK STEALS THE ROBE? Has he never stayed in a hotel before? Is he a homeless chimney sweep? Hope you don’t get in trouble.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Fri, May 16 at 9:15 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Seriously, I skip off to work and leave him in the room (all very reverse “Pretty Woman”) and that’s what he tells me. Most of his friends are kind of high-functioning wastrels, so maybe it’s normal behavior for them. Who knows.
Actually that’s not entirely true—his lawyer friend David is alright. You guys should meet at some point.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Fri, May 16 at 9:20 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Wow. A bunch of “high-functioning wastrels” and a guy who’s “alright.” I guess my Mojave dry spell continues on.
xo
Subject: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, May 17 at 11:06 AM
To: David Meyer
Holy shit.
You will never guess who I just ran into.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Sat, May 17 at 11:43 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
Anna Kendrick??
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, May 17 at 11:48 AM
To: David Meyer
What? No . . . Ellie.
Why would I have run into Anna Kendrick?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Sat, May 17 at 11:49 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
Just saw on TMZ that she’s filming a movie right around the corner from your apt. Wishful thinking.
Ellie is way less exciting. She probably can’t even do the “Cups” song. What happened?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, May 17 at 11:51 AM
To: David Meyer
So I’m grabbing coffee at Bluebird, still recooperating from the Four Seasons, when who do I see tied up outside? Iggy. I was actually gonna leave because I didn’t really feel like doing a whole song and dance when she came out.
We only spoke for like two secs—she said she was on her way to go style some shoot (couldn’t tell if she actually was or whether she was lying to appear busy)—but she texted me this right after:
“Good seeing you . . . Was actually just talking about you with my therapist. Go figure. :) ”
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Sat, May 17 at 11:55 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
LOL. “Just talking about you with my therapist.” Equal parts casual, intimate, funny, unsettling, and intriguing, all in an economical seven words. That is classic Ellie right there. Does she knows you’re seeing someone?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, May 17 at 11:57 AM
To: David Meyer
She still follows me on Instagram so I’m sure she has some idea.
She also said she’s gonna be at Hayley and Justin’s wedding . . .
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Sat, May 17 at 11:58 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
Are you taking Madeline to that?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, May 17 at 12:02 PM
To: David Meyer
It’s weird—Ellie was invited as my plus one, but obviously she’s good friends with them too, so she’s still going. But I don’t know if that means I get a different +1. This etiquette is very complicated.
Guess I should ask Justin . . .
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, May 17 at 4:06 PM
To: David Meyer
Justin s
aid it’s cool if I bring someone, but that Ellie’s coming solo.
Huh.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Sat, May 17 at 4:15 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Well if Ellie was bringing someone, I have no doubt you’d be bringing Madeline. But since she’s not, now you don’t know?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, May 17 at 4:24 PM
To: David Meyer
Okay, it’s not like I want to go solo up there. I just don’t know if the stress of bringing Madeline is worth it. She won’t know anyone there, and it’s still pretty new. Just doesn’t feel like it’ll be fun for anyone.
Subject: Re: (no subject}
From: David Meyer
Date: Sat, May 17 at 4:27 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Got it.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, May 17 at 4:35 PM
To: David Meyer
Don’t say “got it” like that. I can feel your judgement through my iphone screen.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Sat, May 17 at 4:40 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
I wasn’t saying “got it” sarcastically, as if I don’t believe that even on a subconscious level you have no desire to be in an intimate, rural environment with lots of alcohol with your ex-girlfriend who just said she was thinking about you. I meant “got it” in that I genuinely believe it would be stressful to have Madeline there. But I’m glad you’re not defensive or anything.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, May 17 at 4:42 PM
To: David Meyer
Oh.
Got it.
I think I just need a little time to clear my head. A lot to process right now.
Madeline
May 18, 6:18 PM
Elliot
May 18, 7:02 PM
Madeline
May 18, 7:04 PM
May 18, 7:05 PM
Elliot
May 18, 7:17 PM
Elliot
May 18, 7:18 PM
Madeline
May 18, 7:18 PM
Subject: Re: Question!
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Wed, May 21 at 5:43 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Hey Hey,
I know we were supposed to hang tonight but mind if I just crash at my place? Still feeling a little under the weather—and like one more bad night’s sleep won’t help things.
Let’s catch up this wknd.
--------Forwarded Message-------
Subject: Re: Question!
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Wed, May 21 at 5:43 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Hey Hey,
I know we were supposed to hang tonight but mind if I just crash at . . .
Subject: [Fwd: Re: Question!]
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Wed, May 21 at 5:50 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Umm. What is happening all of a sudden? Highlights include but are not limited to:
• Suddenly we need to “catch up” this weekend? What? Should we also “reconvene” while we’re at it?
• We’ve spoken in between this but still. Feeling funky. Am I crazy to feel funky?
• End of bullet points, start of ice-cream smoking and cigarette eating.
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Question!]
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Wed, May 21 at 6:30 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Okay. You’re not crazy. This is weird. And right on the heels of Barbie’s DreamHotel Sexfest™.
I don’t know what to tell you. Except that boys need their space?
How are you feeling about it now?
x
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Question!]
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Wed, May 21 at 6:33 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Not great! I mean, do I require that he refer to our sex life as “making love”? No. But I’m a little insulted that he’d categorize it as a “bad night’s sleep.” Oh, I’m sorry . . . are the blow jobs an inconvenience for you?
I have no idea how to respond to this.
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Question!]
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Wed, May 21 at 6:37 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
“Are the blow jobs an inconvenience for you?” . . . seems like a solid choice.
No, really, if you can muster up something a little less angry than that (all i know is do NOT be angry . . . you’re not married . . . relationships at this juncture are volunteer positions.)
Keep it short and simple and breezy. Something you won’t regret in case.
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Question!]
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Wed, May 21 at 6:37 PM
To: Emily Roberts
IN CASE OF WHAT?
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Question!]
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Wed, May 21 at 6:40 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
LADY:
You know in “What About Bob?” when Bill Murray has to “take a vacation from my problems”? Take some space for you while he’s taking some space for him. Tell him no worries. And then . . . actually don’t worry.
Baby steps out of the apartment.
E x
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Question!]
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Wed, May 21 at 6:43 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Yeah, I know it. It’s funny . . . suddenly everyone we know is getting married and able to spell “boutonniere” when they couldn’t do it yesterday—and I think when Elliot and I joke about it, has this “us” vs. “them” effect. “Us” is the entity that thinks commitment is silly. “We” aren’t like that! “We” are chill! “We” have icicles for hearts! “Them,” on the other hand, are the morons who think they can see forever. Who introduce people to their families too quickly. Who can’t foresee the end of everything despite the fact that THERE HASN’T BEEN A CIVILIZATION ON EARTH, EVER, THAT HASN’T CRUMBLED.
Anyway I am a combination of “us” and “them.” I don’t wake up seeing forever but I also acknowledge it as a real destination.
I guess it’s all a roundabout way of saying that I feel like there’s something here and I don’t want to lose it. On the other hand, I don’t want to be made the chump because I had the audacity to hope (thanks, Obama).
xo
P.S. Thanks for listening. You’re good at this, you know?
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Question!]
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Wed, May 21 at 7:15 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
I think the best thing I can do for you now is tell you to not indulge in this.
THINK ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE. He sure as shit is.
x
P.S. Don’t be weird. Respond to his email but be breezy and brief. You won’t regret saying
less right now.
P.P.S. You would be good at this too if you spent your days settling pushing fights between 7-year-olds.
Subject: Re: Question!
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Wed, May 21 at 7:30 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Hey hey back—
Of course not. Totally understand. See you this weekend.
Subject: Hey!
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, May 24 at 4:45 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
hiiiiiii,
feeling slightly human again. thank god I quarantined myself and limited the number of people I potentially got sick to the Thai delivery guy (don’t worry I tipped extra). What are you up to tonight?
Subject: Re: Hey!
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sat, May 24 at 5:06 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Glad you’re back in fighting form. What am I doing tonight? Umm . . . something fun with you? We can do whatever but also maybe meet up with Emily and some of my friends at some point?
Madeline
Subject: Re: Hey!
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, May 24 at 5:15 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Sounds good. Don’t think Imma be staying out too late tonight, but maybe something low-key like drinks and a movie? Can check what’s playing and get back to ya.
Maybe can meet up with Emily and friends after, or leave you chicks to it . . .
Subject: Re: Hey!
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sat, May 24 at 5:24 PM
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