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  So . . . what was his reasoning? What happened?

  And where did this “drink” occur? His place?

  I’m so sorry. i love you. this too shall pass . . .

  xoxoxoxo

  Subject: Re: yo

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:18 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  We met at Lucky Strike. I guess I’m grateful that we did this in a neutral booth of a restaurant that neither of us goes to that much. I’m sure neither of us wants our apartments tainted with sadness.

  I walked in and I immediately knew. He got up from the table to kiss me, kind of leaned over it so the table was stabbing his groin. I was FINE. I really was. I was composed and got settled in. And he was sheepish and I was like, “So” and he was like, “So” and I was like, “What’s going on with you?”

  Men are fucking weasels. It’s like, not only are you about to screw me over, but you are going to make me hold your hand and guide you.

  He told me he wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and things hadn’t been great and that I “deserved better” and I was all fuck you for telling me what I “deserve.” I know what I deserve. And he said that he “didn’t want to waste my time.” I feel like that’s what you tell someone after a month, two tops. You don’t get to think you’re doing the right thing if you rob a bank and then confess 50 years later. That doesn’t make you a good person. Obviously he’s been feeling that he didn’t want to do the basics of having a girlfriend for a really long time and was too chicken to say anything. And when I say basics, you know I mean basic. Like expecting someone to text you within 24 hours after you text them is not “demanding.” Whatever.

  He also thinks our “lifestyles” are “wildly opposite.”

  Subject: Re: yo

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:20 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  “He thinks our ‘lifestyles’ are ‘wildly opposite’.”

  Oh, is he gay? KNEW IT.

  Also . . . he’s right about you deserving better, he’s just the exact wrong person to say it.

  Subject: Re: yo

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:23 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Haha. Yeah. I just wonder what the thing is. You know, it’s just a weird amount of time to date someone at our age. Like you either know you’re not compatible or you date for years and get married. But Elliot and I never even fought. Which, looking back, is probably a bad sign. I was too scared to fight and he didn’t care enough to fight.

  He was like, “it’s nothing you did” but it SHOULD be, you know? It should piss him off or he should get jealous on occasion. Some kind of pulse that indicates he’s let me in, that he’s counting on me to be good to him. I asked him if it was physical . . .

  I hate this feeling. I also hate that the dumpee is forced to act like a 5-year-old (see also: “why why why why?” to everything he says). So not dignified.

  Subject: Re: yo

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:25 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  But breakups aren’t supposed to be dignified! Better to be emotional now, instead of six months from now.

  Wait . . . why would it be physical?

  Subject: Re: yo

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:30 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  I just wonder if that’s The Thing. Like he says there’s no one else (I believe him) and that he’s not interested in dating other people (I don’t believe him), so then what is it?

  Every time you’ve broken up with someone, isn’t there a secret thing you’re not telling that person? Like “Babe, you’re awesome but I secretly have to pretend I’m a prostitute to sleep with you because I’m not physically attracted to you and this is why I always have a stomach-ache.” Or “Babe, you are arm candy and I could stare at you for hours, but conversation is painful and if you could not speak that would be good.”

  I wonder what my secret thing is.

  Subject: Re: yo

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:35 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  You are legally insane right now, I get that. I know it’s tough to wrap our minds around but the mens, they are too dumb to know themselves like that. For us, we need logic. We need a reason. But I doubt there’s a thing about you. I think it’s simply that he’s a child and practically nocturnal.

  Subject: Re: yo

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:41 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Yeah, well. He basically said the same thing, that we had too many “bigger picture” problems. But none of it helps.

  For the record: I know it’s not actually anything physical. That part was one of the best parts, never had any problems in bed once we were really together.

  Anyway, I feel like I have months of analyzing ahead of me . . . Right now I am going to do a shot of something and go to bed.

  Subject: Re: yo

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:47 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Okay, let’s hang out tomorrow.

  You should take a pill.

  Better than a hangover, which will make you feel worse. People take sleeping pills for a lot less.

  Sincerely, Dr. Roberts, X.O.

  David

  Aug 6, 7:24 PM

  Elliot

  Aug 6, 7:25 PM

  David

  Aug 6, 7:25 PM

  Aug 6, 7:29 PM

  Elliot

  Aug 6, 7:30 PM

  David

  Aug 6, 7:30 PM

  Subject: updates svp

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sat, Aug 23 at 10:19 AM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  How are we today? x

  Subject: Re: updates svp

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sat, Aug 23 at 10:25 AM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Sometimes okay for whole minutes. Mostly.

  I just want to pull my lip over my head and swallow.

  Subject: Re: updates svp

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sat, Aug 23 at 10:30 AM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  I’m sorry, lady. Are you sleeping okay? Want to hang out tonight?

  x

  Subject: Re: updates svp

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sat, Aug 23 at 10:38 AM

  To: Emily Roberts

  I had a dream that Tibetan scarf guy kidnapped me and somehow Elliot was the only one of all our friends who knew how to find me and everyone was begging him to come rescue me—because he was the only one who could do it—but he wouldn’t pick up his phone or answer his door. I have the most obvious brain on the planet. No wonder I got dumped.

  P.S. yes please, re: tonight. Honestly I feel like crawling into a ball and doing nothing but I know I should be human.

  What is wrong with me?

  Subject: Re: updates svp

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sat, Aug 23 at 10:40 AM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  NOTHING. You w
illfully ignored some bad signs about a guy because there was so much good and you wanted to make it work. I don’t know how to tell you not to take something as personal as this personally. But soon you will realize what I’m typing is true.

  Don’t make me pull up the emails and show you how nuts he was driving you, how anxiety-ridden he was making you. I’m not trying to downplay your heartbreak—it was real and it sucks—but I think there’s an ego element to this as well . . . (see also: neck scarf Jared)

  Elliot beat you to it. You were ready to kill him. You would have hit a wall eventually too, you really would have.

  Subject: Re: updates svp

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sat, Aug 23 at 10:42 AM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Trying to let all that in but the only thing that offers any consolation, weirdly, this: “it was real.”

  xo

  Subject: (no subject)

  From: David Meyer

  Date: Fri, Sep 12 at 9:42 AM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  I can barely type right now. How you holding up?

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Fri, Sep 12 at 11:11 AM

  To: David Meyer

  So glad you asked.

  So I was literally a block away from my house when I get a text from that girl Leslie being like, “You out?” I tell her that I’m basically back at my house—she says she’s going home too, do I want to come over? Obviously. So I’m in a cab on my way to her place, when she calls me and is like, “Bring pizza, I’m hungry.” I try telling her that there’s no pizza place around her that’s open and she’s like, “Go to Rosario’s, they’ll definitely be open” in that drunk girl way I know I can’t argue with. So I’m like fine, and make the cab turn around and go to Rosario’s. I wait on line for like 10 minutes, get the pizza, and am about to get another cab when I get a text from her: “Bring beer too.” So I go to a bodega, get a six-pack, get in a cab, and finally get to her place. Ring the door—no answer. Ring again. No answer. Call her on the phone, no answer. She just passed out. At this point, it’s starting to rain, so I can’t even get a cab back to my place, and I end up having to call an Uber to come get me. Surge pricing, too.

  Between the cabs, pizza, beer, and transport, I spent $70 in less than forty-five minutes.

  Is it crazy I kind of miss Madeline?

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: David Meyer

  Date: Fri, Sep 12 at 11:14 AM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Don’t know if I’d call it crazy, but it’s definitely predictable.

  Subject: Hey

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Thu, Sep 18 at 6:02 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Hey Madeline,

  How’s it going? Kind of weird having to be so formal in an email to you, but, uh, yeah.

  Anyway, just wanted to let you know that I still have that cashmere cardigan of yours. I probably wouldn’t have said anything if it was, like, cotton, or even a merino wool blend, but, you know, cashmere. You probably want it back.

  Lemme know what’s easiest for you—happy to bring it by, send it over, or leave it here for you to pick up.

  Hope you’re well. I saw one of your authors profiled in Sunday Styles last week and felt a twinge of pride. Glad work is going good.

  —e

  -------- Forwarded Message --------

  Subject: Hey

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Thu, Sep 18 at 6:02 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Hey Madeline,

  How’s it going? Kind of weird having to be so formal in an email . . .

  Subject: [Fwd: Hey]

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Thu, Sep 18 at 6:06 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  So 1.5 million years later . . . this arrives.

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Hey]

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Thu, Sep 18 at 7:01 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Jesus. Not really a fan of the uber-chummy tone there. I mean . . . how are you feeling? And do you need me to get the sweater?

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Hey]

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Thu, Sep 18 at 7:03 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  I feel like he is, uh, right. It is, uh, weird to be so ugh formal and so soon.

  Look: I don’t think he strung me along cruelly. I don’t think he is a sociopath.

  But no, you do not get to be a gentleman by saying “whatever’s easiest for you.” I know him. I know what he’s trying to do. And no, you do not get to participate in my success or feel “proud” of me because you see something you know I had a part in in the Sunday fucking Styles section.

  THAT is insensitive. Like I’m already becoming this kind of a thing he dated. The Cookbook Chick.

  And work is going “well,” not “good.” The alternative doesn’t make you easy/breezy, it makes you retarded.

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Hey]

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Thu, Sep 18 at 7:05 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Right. So do you want me to get the sweater?

  Subject: Re: Hey

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 8:02 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Hi Elliot,

  I’ll give Emily your contact info so you guys can arrange a time for her to get the sweater, as she will be in your neighborhood later this week.

  —Madeline

  Subject: Re: Hey

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 9:04 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  That works.

  Also, do you by chance happen to have my Mets hat? It’s not at the restaurant and I can’t find it here, so I’m hoping it’s at your place. If you have it, would be great if you could give it to Emily as well.

  —Elliot

  Subject: Re: Hey

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 9:09 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  No, I don’t have it. Though you haven’t been at my place since before my cleaning lady was here weeks ago and it’s possible she tossed it.

  Subject: Re: Hey

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 9:15 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Well, I don’t think she’d throw it away—but no worries. They are replaceable.

  Subject: Re: Hey

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 10:02 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Cool. Glad you can go out and get a new one.

  -------- Forwarded Message --------

  Subject: Re: Hey

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 9:09 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  No, I don’t have it. Though you haven’t been at my place since . . .

  Subject: Re: Hey

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date Sun, Sep 21 at 9:04 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

&n
bsp; That works.

  Also, do you by chance happen to have my Mets hat? It’s not . . .

  Subject: Re: Hey

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 8:02 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Hi Elliot,

  I’ll give Emily your contact info so you guys can arrange . . .

  Subject: [Fwd: Re: Hey]

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 9:20 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Guess what I don’t have? A cleaning lady.

  Guess what I do have . . .

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey]

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 9:23 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  WHOA. what will become of the hat?

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey]

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 9:24 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  To be shoved down the garbage chute when I see fit.

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey]

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 9:26 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  You have an actual garbage chute? That’s so cool.

  -------Forwarded Message------

  Subject: Re: Hey

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Sun, Sep 21 at 10:02 PM