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Subject: Re: image attached
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 1:53 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
I am with you, sister. I get it. I’ve been there. Door #1: Boy is a jerk. Door #2: Boy is not a jerk but emotionally retarded. Door #3: A pile of cats and vibrators and chocolate and one-night stands. And then it gets super confusing when more than one door is open at the same time.
But there is another possibility, you know, to Elliot’s “totes cred, yo.” (I am not a fan of his constant abbreviations.)
And that is the possibility that he thinks everything IS cool. And he’ll work it out on his own if you let him.
I know you’re afraid you’re going to lose him but you’re not some random psycho girl who keeps calling him after two dates. You’re his girlfriend. Man up and act like it. Just call him and be like “hey . . . I need to take our temperature real quick.”
x
Subject: Re: image attached
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 2:00 PM
To: Emily Roberts
No. Sorry and I love you but this is easy for you to say because you’re not in this relationship.
Subject: Re: image attached
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 2:02 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Oh yes, I am.
I’m calling you (because I’m putting my money where my mouth is and you have done something that’s upset me and I’d like to resolve it before I want to straight up murder your ass).
The agenda for this phone call will go as follows: a) fuck your “I love you buts . . .” b) all I do is listen to this shit while being single myself and while you rarely ask about MY love life and I hold your hand every step of the way because that’s what friends do.
If you have any other agenda items to add, do let me know.
Subject: SORRY AGAIN
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 2:25 PM
To: Emily Roberts
I love you lots. I’m an asshole. As you were.
x
Subject: Re: SORRY AGAIN
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Sat, Jul 12 at 2:31 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
You are not an asshole. You’re just sensitive and a wee bit crazy right now.
Love you too.
x
Madeline
Jul 16, 12:34 PM
Elliot
Jul 16, 4:15 PM
Madeline
Jul 16, 7:15 PM
--------Forwarded Message-------
Subject: REMINDER: BOOK OF MORMON, EUGENE O’NEILL THEATRE
From: noreply@ticketmaster.com
To: Elliot Rowe
Elliot Rowe,
This is a reminder that your “Book of Mormon” show at the Eugene O’Neill Theatre (230 W. 49th Street, NY, NY, 10019) is coming up!
Subject: Fuck Me.
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 9:34 AM
To: David Meyer
Jesus. Totally forgot I bought us tickets to this.
You think I should just take her and then do it? Or break up with her before and offer her the tickets?
Subject: Re: Fuck Me.
From: David Meyer
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:02 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
Great idea. “Sorry I put you through the emotional ringer for six months, go see some edgy musical comedy on me!”
Dude.
Subject: Re: Fuck Me.
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:13 AM
To: David Meyer
I know, I know.
I definitely have to do this in person, right?
Subject: Re: Fuck Me.
From: David Meyer
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:14 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
Are you seriously asking me that?
Subject: Re: Fuck Me.
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:16 AM
To: David Meyer
I’m just saying, I’d probably be able to explain myself better over email . . .
Subject: Re: Fuck Me.
From: David Meyer
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:20 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
Elliot.
Go to a quiet bar. Have exactly one drink. Be direct. Don’t sleep together afterwards.
Pretty basic.
Subject: Re: Fuck Me.
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:24 AM
To: David Meyer
Don’t think you have to worry about the sleeping together part, but got it.
You know I just realized that I’ve never actually dumped anyone before.
Subject: Re: Fuck Me.
From: David Meyer
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 10:27 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
That’s not surprising. You’re kind of a bitch.
Subject: Re: Fuck Me.
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 11:06 AM
To: David Meyer
Thank you for saying “kind of.”
Subject: Book of Mormon
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 1:30 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Oh, crap. He got tickets ages ago and it’s coming right up.
But now the vibe is so incredibly off between us (see also: Def Com 1: Total Communication Breakdown). As recently as a month ago, it didn’t seem like things could go this awry this fast. It was definitely a safe ticket-purchasing.
And now? he hasn’t even MENTIONED anything and he was the one who asked. What do I do?
Subject: Re: Book of Mormon
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 1:53 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
The insensitive thing to say here is “relieve your stress by giving the tickets to me” right? They are, like 400 bucks, right?
One of us is operating on a public school teacher’s salary.
Maybe he’s trying to get you to break up with him.
Subject: Re: Book of Mormon
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Fri, Jul 18 at 2:01 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Ha! If he wants to break up with me, he’d better do it himself. I’ve already done all the heavy lifting in this relationship—I’m not going to dump myself, too.
David
Jul 28, 9:30 PM
Elliot
Jul 28, 9:34 PM
David
Jul 28, 9:41 PM
Subject: Hey
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:06 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
Hi hi,
So just looking at my trusty calendar here and it looks like “The Book of Mormon” is upon us. I have not seen a Broadway show since “Wicked” and that was with my mom. I forget how this works, but I assume you have the tickets in your possession? Should we meet up beforehand or at the
theater? Lmk.
M
Subject: Re: Hey
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:15 AM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Actually, you around tonight? Wanna grab a drink?
-------- Forwarded Message --------
Subject: Re: Hey
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:15 AM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Actually, you around tonight? Wanna grab a drink?
Subject: Hey
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:06 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
Hi hi,
So just looking at my trusty calendar here and it looks like . . .
Subject: [Fwd: Re: Hey]
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:19 AM
To: Emily Roberts
I am so totally getting dumped.
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey]
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 12:46 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Oy. It’s posssible he feels the same weirdness you do and just wants to see you sooner rather than later to make it go away . . . ?
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Hey]
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 12:53 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Nope, nope. Dumped dumped dumpety-dumped. I’m telling you. Elliot doesn’t “grab a drink.” I don’t think we’ve ever been together and not drank. I’m not saying we’re alcoholics, just that . . . “grab a drink” to me is super “I’m going to get in and out and do this in public so you don’t make a scene” whereas “hang out” or even “haven’t seen you!” would be different. I know it sounds like a small thing but it’s not . . . I know him. The “sorry for the short notice” also bothers me on a number of levels I can’t even get into.
Subject: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 10:54 PM
To: David Meyer
Well that did not go over well.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 10:56 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
One second getting popcorn.
Okay . . . begin.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 10:58 PM
To: David Meyer
Do you want me to start with the part where she called me “an emotional vegetable” and said we should “just pull the plug,” or the part where she said that I was more interested in being “in a school play about a relationship than in real intimacy”? I have a lot of starting points. Or when she accused me of using her to get a cookbook deal? (Which, sorry, but I didn’t need your help to tell me to use Google.)
The ending point was that she basically told me to fuck off.
At one point, she got up to go to the bathroom, and the bartender comes over, pours me a shot of tequila, and goes, “This one’s on the house, buddy.” So . . . yeah.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:02 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
The school play metaphor is definitely better than my mountain climbing one. What did you say?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:06 PM
To: David Meyer
Well I started off by saying that it was obvious this wasn’t working and that we just fundamentally weren’t (aren’t) a good match. Which I thought she would respond to, but she just kind of looked at me, like, “and . . . ?” so I kept going, and said that I didn’t feel like this had any long-term potential and so I didn’t want to waste her time—and that was the line that really set her off. I mean I wasn’t expecting her to say, “You’re totally right about everything, glad we’re on the same page, by the way I have a great girl for you!” And I probably did not handle this in the most efficient way, which I guess is why she really bristled at the “don’t want to waste her time” line. But I still wasn’t expecting this much, uh, resistance. I mean, she kept being like, “Well, if you do X, Y, and Z differently and text me back quicker and make plans and just be more ‘present’ things won’t be this difficult.” Which was basically arguing MY point of us fundamentally not being a good match, but I don’t think she appreciated my connecting those dots.
Also I hate the word “present.” Like I’m the only person in New York on my fucking cell phone.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:07 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Wow. I’m sorry, man. That’s a bummer.
I mean I genuinely do like Madeline and did think there was a universe in which it worked, but I hear where you’re coming from. You can’t force it if it’s not working.
Well, I guess you can, if you really like someone. That’s presumably how people stay married.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:12 PM
To: David Meyer
That was kind of the subtext of what she was saying: if you liked me more, you’d be willing to put in the effort. Which I guess is true: if you’re with someone and things aren’t totally working, you ask yourself, “Is this a person I could maybe be with forever?” And if the answer is yes, then you try and figure it out, and if it’s no, then that’s that. Obviously the answer is going to be “no” a lot more than it’s going to be “yes,” so it seems somewhat masochistic to focus on why the answer is “no.” And this is unlike her but she made an off-handed comment about her body not being good enough. I was like, “I eat doughnuts for breakfast four days a week, have you seen me without my shirt on?” And she was like, “Sorry, I don’t mean to be superficial but I’d be interested in reading the statistics about how many supermodels get broken up with.”
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:16 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Well the same five dudes seem to date every supermodel, so I’m pretty sure they get broken up with all the time. Otherwise the math wouldn’t work.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:17 PM
To: David Meyer
Maybe I should start going to therapy.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: David Meyer
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 11:17 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
I bet Ellie can recommend one.
Subject: yo
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:00 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
What’s happening? Is your phone dead or just your heart?
Subject: Re: yo
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:05 PM
To: Emily Roberts
We broke up.
Subject: Re: yo<
br />
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:06 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Oh lady. I’m sorry. Are you okay?
Subject: Re: yo
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:10 PM
To: Emily Roberts
I feel pretty wretched.
And I see nothing bad about him. It’s like black magic, getting dumped. All the things that made me anxious or unhappy and all the things that I genuinely did not find attractive in Elliot have vanished (much like the relationship itself) and it’s like the past bunch of months never happened and I’m back to the night I met him and he’s just this hot, charming, perfect guy . . . who doesn’t love me. And it’s so bad, knowing the whole thing works in reverse for him. He did this and so I am magically transformed into someone much WORSE than I actually am.
He’s telling himself, as I type, that I was wrong for him.
It’s not fair.
Dying alone,
M
Subject: Re: yo
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Sun, Aug 3 at 9:14 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
I want to tell you something that will make you feel better but you are unhappy and your instinct will be to argue your way out of it. Like I want to tell you that you can do better and it really is him and has very little to do with you . . . but I’ve been you. I know your brain right now.
This is why I hate the movies. There’s always a court of appeals for this crap in the movies. Our hero comes to a realization and goes running out of the Big Presentation to say how wrong he was . . . In real life, knowing yourself comes in 3-5 year increments. Basically: all romantic comedies should take 5 years instead of 2 hours.