Read Bottom Up Page 3
In the words of the Baha Men*: Let the dogs out. Be the one to let the dogs out.
xo Em
*(Yes, i had to Wikipedia this.)
Subject: Re: Oh, Hello.
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 4:09 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Sorry, who is this? So many Elliots, it’s hard to keep track.
Too soon? I did, in fact, get your text. Sorry about the belated reply.
Honestly, I had a great time the other night and I really enjoyed meeting your friends (Jess especially), but I was a little bit taken aback when I ran out of work early, showed up at the restaurant looking for one human and found a small tribe of them. It’s honestly not a huge deal but at some point your friend Jess was like “Are you coming with us to the show?” and in my brain I was all, “Well all of you guys came on my date so I guess so”. . . . Anyway, sorry to kiss and run Cinderella-style, but I had a 9 AM marketing meeting I couldn’t miss. Hope it’s not weird that I’m typing all this and so early on. It’s not indicative of me being “no longer into this.” What you see in the previous—wait, let me count—five lines is exactly how much it irked me.
I would love to hang out soon with a little less Group Date (“The Bachelor”) and a little more One on One (“The Bachelor”).
—mw
--------Forwarded Message-------
Subject: Re: Oh, Hello.
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 4:09 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Sorry, who is this? So many Elliots, it’s hard to keep track.
Too soon? I did, in fact, get your text. Sorry about the belated . . .
Subject: [Fwd: Re: Oh, Hello.]
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 5:22 PM
To: David Meyer
Well, look who’s back. And evidently mad at me.
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Re: Oh, Hello.]
From: David Meyer
Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 5:48 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
“What you see in the previous—wait, let me count—five lines is exactly how much it irked me.”
She’s not mad. She’s irked! (Kind of justifiably, too.)
I mean, you have been saying that you’re looking for someone who is gonna call you on your shit . . . though there’s a huge difference between what you “say” you’re looking for and what you “are” looking for.
Basically I could see you guys either getting married or hating each other in 6 months. Kind of a toss-up!
--------Forwarded Message-------
Subject: Re: Oh, Hello.
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 4:09 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Sorry, who is this? So many Elliots, it’s hard to keep track.
Too soon? I did, in fact, get your text. Sorry about the belated . . .
Subject: me = asshole?
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 9:42 PM
To: Emily Roberts
Oh crap. I haven’t heard back from him yet. Was this bad? Did I just back him into an “us” talk?
Subject: Re: me = asshole?
From: Emily Roberts
Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 10:15 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Listen, if this is what scares him away, he was meant to be scared. I think it’s good that you were honest with him but I think it would have been even better if you were honest at the time. Not because honesty is so great but because it would have just taken up less emotional space than this. You could have just pulled him aside when you were walking to the show and been like, “Looks like we have company, huh?”
Because like I said: puppy didn’t know what he was doing . . . Bedtime. xo Em
Subject: Re: Oh, Hello.
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 11:00 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
There you are! I was worried sick!
Well, I’m glad the reason for your belated response wasn’t a Text Monster, but me being an idiot.
Totally my bad on the group dinner front—definitely didn’t mean for you to read into it. For the record, those guys all really liked you. Especially Jess. And she literally hates everyone. I’m still not even sure she likes me.
Anyway, again. Sorry. And yes—a “Bachelor”-style one-on-one date would be great. Might be hard to rent a helicopter that’ll take us to a remote Swiss chalet on such short notice, but I can take you to a movie . . .
Chris Harrison will be conducting a postmortem, though.
Elliot
Apr 1, 4:12 PM
Madeline
Apr 1, 4:25 PM
Elliot
Apr 1, 4:30 PM
Madeline
Apr 1, 4:31 PM
Elliot
Apr 1, 4:32 PM
Madeline
Apr 1, 4:33 PM
Elliot
Apr 1, 4:34 PM
Madeline
Apr 1, 4:34 PM
Subject: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Wed, Apr 2 at 10:52 AM
To: Madeline Whittaker
So, uh, sorry again about the Great Movie Fiasco of ’14. Next time I invite you to see “Annie Hall” at the Angelika, I promise I’ll buy tickets beforehand. (I still can’t believe it was sold out. I kind of figured everyone in New York had seen it by now) . . . I will say, though, that yesterday’s walk-out of consolation prize “Big Daddy 2: Bigger Daddy” marks the fourth time I’ve ever bailed on a movie I’ve paid money to see, “Encino Man,” “Nutty Professor II: The Klumps,” and “Love and Other Drugs” being the other three. And to walk out of a movie where Anne Hathaway’s naked the whole time, well, that says something . . .
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Wed, Apr 2 at 11:46 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
You walked out of “Encino Man”? What were you, 12? Where did you go? Actually, don’t answer that. I like the image of you furiously riding away from the theater on your bike, grinding your teeth against your retainer. It’s kind of cute. Tell me . . . do you still possess said retainer?
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Wed, Apr 2 at 5:45 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Sorry—phone died when I was out. You know how it goes. Why do iPhones suddenly go from 11% battery to dead? What happened to that 11%? These are the things that keep me up at night.
Anyway, what are you doing tomorrow? I’m off and I was planning on spending it getting stoned and seeing if “Encino Man” is as bad as I remember. Care to join? Lemme know and I’ll see if I can find the retainer.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Wed, Apr 2 at 7:48 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
I do know how it goes. My friend Emily dropped her phone in a public toilet once. I was brought in as a witness when the guy she was seeing didn’t believe THAT was the reason for her lack of communication.
Yeah, that sounds cool! Just don’t get handsy. I mean: do? I mean: you find your retainer and if you’re VERY lucky I’ll find my sexy Snow White costume. I drowned in that thing when I was 15. I’m sure I’d look like a milkmaid in it now . . .
I can’t do
during the day (obviously), but let me know what time.
M
David
Apr 3, 6:06 PM
Elliot
Apr 3, 6:14 PM
David
Apr 3, 6:16 PM
Apr 3, 6:16 PM
Elliot
Apr 3, 6:20 PM
David
Apr 3, 6:21 PM
Madeline
Apr 4, 8:45 AM
Emily
Apr 4, 8:57 AM
Madeline
Apr 4, 8:58 AM
Emily
Apr 4, 8:59 AM
Madeline
Apr 4, 9:06 AM
Emily
Apr 4, 9:07 AM
Madeline
Apr 4, 9:07 AM
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Fri, Apr 4 at 11:42 AM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Last night again soon, please.
Also: you are very adorable when you’re stoned. And also clearly something of a genetic freak. Seriously, I have no idea how someone who finished that entire plate of spaghetti bolognese could also be the same person who looks like that.
Subject: Re: (no subject)
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Fri, Apr 4 at 12:02 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Oh my god, I seriously never smoke. I think it would make my job a nightmare. I mean, not that I would smoke at work, but more that I work in dangerously close proximity to a test kitchen . . . and we just finished shooting a gluten-free cookbook. I have never seen so many brownies and blondies (in racial harmony) in one spot.
Also, you’re the best for saying that I’m a genetic freak. I’m not, but it helps to . . . work out? . . . after. :)
x
Elliot
Apr 18, 8:45 PM
Madeline
Apr 18, 8:47 PM
Elliot
Apr 18, 9:02 PM
Madeline
Apr 18, 9:06 PM
Elliot
Apr 18, 9:11 PM
Madeline
Apr 18, 9:13 PM
David
Apr 24, 7:15 PM
Apr 24, 9:05 PM
Apr 24, 9:42 PM
Apr 24, 10:05 PM
Apr 24, 10:42 PM
Elliot
Apr 25, 8:32 AM
David
Apr 25, 8:54 AM
Elliot
Apr 25, 6:14 PM
David
Apr 25, 9:45 PM
Subject: So . . .
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, Apr 26 at 11:48 AM
To: Madeline Whittaker
You’ll never guess where I am right now . . .
Subject: Re: So . . .
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sat, Apr 26 at 12:14 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
You . . . are . . . in a nutshell? At the restaurant? Standing creepily outside my window even though that’s impossible because my apartment doesn’t face the street?
Subject: Re: So . . .
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, Apr 26 at 12:36 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
I am . . .
(drum roll, please . . .)
At Bed, Bath and Beyond. Buying curtains. For my bedroom. No biggie.
Do I get “mocha,” “pearl,” or “off-white”?? Tie-back or hook? Do I need “Thermaliner panels”? What are “Thermaliner panels”?! I think I am losing my mind.
This very nice saleslady is also trying to convince me that I need to buy “window treatments” to really “complete the look.” Which, on the box, look to me just like “curtains,” but which are evidently a separate, much more expensive thing? Pretty sure she just works off commission and smells blood in the water. MORE AS THIS STORY DEVELOPS.
Subject: Re: So . . .
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Sat, Apr 26 at 12:40 PM
To: Madeline Whittaker
Oh my god, now this woman is trying to foist “blackout window curtain liners” on me.
Me: What do those do?
Her: They’re great, they really keep the light out.
Me: (confused) I don’t understand. Isn’t that the function of curtains? To keep out the light?
Her: Yeah, but they’re better than curtains.
THEN WHY DO I EVEN NEED THE CURTAINS, LADY? WHAT IS THIS HOME-FURNISHING PONZI SCHEME?
(Obviously I bought them because I am a sucker. Now a fun game will be to see how long this stuff sits in a box in my apartment before I actually set it up.)
Subject: Re: So . . .
From: Madeline Whittaker
Date: Sat, Apr 26 at 1:45 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
I am amazed. Is this my influence? Careful with that place, I go in for a shower curtain liner and come out with, like, a Vagina Swiffer (TM).
Those panels are for people who live in Arizona and need to keep the light out during the day and then need it not to be freezing at night. Ignore them, they’re a rip-off. I don’t think the Bed, Bath and Beyond people work on commission. How sad. I just think the saleslady doesn’t know that your “look” consists of a sofa and a bunch of random vinyl lined up next to a radiator.
In summation: you want “semi-sheer” and a little longer than you think you’ll need.
Anyway. Off to copyedit flour measurements. What did people in my job do before they could google embarrassing things like “how many cups in a quart”?
Your walking consumer reports,
M x
PS. They won’t sit in a box . . . I’ll help you if you want!
Subject: Yo
From: David Meyer
Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 11:34 AM
To: Elliot Rowe
So I just checked and that Hudson Valley house is still available this weekend. That work? Let me know and I’ll put the deposit down and you can pay me back sometime in the next six to eight months.
Subject: Re: Yo
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 1:06 PM
To: David Meyer
Sounds good. Lemme know how much I owe (and I will Paypal you immediately, dick).
Subject: Re: Yo
From: David Meyer
Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 2:14 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
That’ll depend on total headcount. Is your gf coming?
Subject: Re: Yo
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 2:45 PM
To: David Meyer
Wouldn’t exactly say she’s my girlfriend just yet, but I’ll ask.
Subject: Re: Yo
From: David Meyer
Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 3:15 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
What do you mean she’s not your girlfriend?
You hang out multiple times a week, neglect your friends, and aren’t sleeping with anyone else. (Well I’m assuming she’s not.) That pretty much reads “relationship” to me.
Subject: Re: Yo
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 4:56 PM
To: David Meyer
I don’t know, still feels early. We both have our own shit going on, and it doesn’t seem like she’s in a rush to just jump into something.
Subject: Re: Yo
From: David Meyer
Date: Mon,
Apr 28 at 5:02 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
Yeah, you’re right. I’m sure she’s totally cool with you guys sleeping together all the time and being invited on a weekend getaway with all your friends and she has no expectations about anything whatsoever. Because that’s how girls are.
Subject: Re: Yo
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 5:20 PM
To: David Meyer
So you’re saying I shouldn’t bring her?
Subject: Re: Yo
From: David Meyer
Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 5:50 PM
To: Elliot Rowe
You’re an idiot.
Subject: Re: Yo
From: Elliot Rowe
Date: Mon, Apr 28 at 7:45 PM