Read Bottom Up Read online

  Mar 12, 10:06 AM

  Madeline

  Mar 12, 10:48 AM

  Subject: (no subject)

  From: David Meyer

  Date: Wed, Mar 12 at 10:12 AM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  How was last night?

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Wed, Mar 12 at 11:19 AM

  To: David Meyer

  Was fun. Ended up staying out pretty late and getting kind of drunk.

  She’s super funny and cool. I forgot how nice it is hanging out with girls over the age of 25. They’re, like, fully-formed humans.

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: David Meyer

  Date: Wed, Mar 12 at 1:14 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  You’re not allowed to describe girls as “cool” after Gone Girl.

  You going to see her again?

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Wed, Mar 12 at 2:06 PM

  To: David Meyer

  Working nights rest of week and then supposed to see that chick I met at the Bowery Hotel on Friday, so we’ll see.

  Actually, Bowery girl texted me earlier asking if I had a friend for her friend. Do I have a friend for her friend?

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: David Meyer

  Date: Wed, Mar 12 at 2:10 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  You do!

  Subject: Re: (no subject)

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Wed, Mar 12 at 3:01 PM

  To: David Meyer

  Really respect how you said yes to this without even asking for a picture. #hero

  Emily

  Mar 17, 10:44 AM

  Madeline

  Mar 17, 10:48 AM

  Emily

  Mar 17, 10:51 AM

  Madeline

  Mar 17, 10:56 AM

  Emily

  Mar 17, 11:00 AM

  Madeline

  Mar 17, 11:07 AM

  Emily

  Mar 17, 11:33 AM

  Madeline

  Mar 17, 12:01 PM

  Subject: Peep This!

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Mon, Mar 17 at 12:04 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  See?: http://www.seriouseats.com/recipes/2010/03/peeps-recipes-how-to-make-peepshi-sushi-rice-krispies-treats-easter.html

  I wouldn’t make it up! I mean, I would, but I don’t have your culinary genius. Anyway, it was fun to hang out . . . but you knew that. And, sorry I hold my liquor like a college freshman.

  Hope you had a good wknd.

  Madeline

  Subject: Re: Peep This!

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Mon, Mar 17 at 1:48 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Hey there, freshman!

  My sincere apologies for not getting back to you sooner—restaurant has been insanely busy, which by extension makes me insanely busy. Not that that’s an excuse for not reaching out—Tuesday was a lot of fun! (That is not an ironic exclamation point.) We should do it again. Not the exact same thing, mind you—my liver was prepared for “coffee” on Tuesday, not “coffee plus whiskey plus more whiskey plus, oh, what the hell, a little more whiskey.” So maybe we get smart and throw food into the mix? Is that crazy? If so, call me crazy! (That is an ironic exclamation point.)

  I have work this wknd, but am free Thursday . . .

  Date number two. I haven’t been on a proper second date in more than three years. I better get my game face on.

  —EA

  Subject: Re: Peep This!

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Mon, Mar 17 at 3:14 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Hey there,

  In college, we used to have these plastic keg cups for our Spring-fest that said stuff like “Remember: Spring-fest is a marathon, not a sprint!” Which, in retrospect, is a hilarious acquiescing of power on the part of the administration. Like hey, try not to do so many body shots, kids, but if you want to drink from morning until noon like a hobo, we can’t stop you. Sorry . . . where was I? Still drunk?

  Really, I am just relieved I didn’t make an ass out of myself and you want to voluntarily spend more time with me! (Sincere exclamation point.)

  Thursday works. What time are you thinking/where?

  Also . . . 3 years, huh? I feel like this is a riddle since we now know I’ve met your ex. So if Elliot broke up with Tall Model six months ago but hasn’t asked anyone out for a second date in three years, how long was Elliot dating Tall Model?

  —MW

  Subject: Re: Peep This!

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Mon, Mar 17 at 4:23 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Wellll . . . sometime after whiskey #3 (that, incidentally, is a lyric in every country song ever), you did accidentally fling the contents of your glass at the unsuspecting Asian couple the table over from us.

  And then you later admitted that you hadn’t had sex since you and your banker boyfriend broke up in January. But those things were more “cute” than you making an ass of yourself. (Also, I’m totally on the hunt for a rebound for you.)

  Don’t spend too much time on the riddle of the Tall Model. I already made that mistake.

  How about dinner? 7ish?

  Subject: Re: Peep This!

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Mon, Mar 17 at 4:57 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Oh my god. I forgot about the Asian couple. But since I have never blacked out in my life (really! it’s a gift . . . and a curse), I will say that I didn’t fling it “at” them—I was reaching out to touch your face and it accidentally slipped from my hand. Apparently whiskey fucks with my depth perception?

  Did one of us offer to pay for that lady’s dry cleaning? I feel like not and I feel like that’s something my mom would want me to do.

  Oh, and let’s make a deal: I won’t bring up the Tall Model and I’m hoping you can let the no-sex-in-months comment slide.

  Pun intended.

  I look forward to enacting said deal on Thursday at 7. Do you already have somewhere in mind? I can pick.

  Subject: Re: Peep This!

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Mon, Mar 17 at 6:06 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Totally forgot to offer to pay. We did, however, make some jokes about how they probably own a laundromat, because we are terrible people.

  I hereby agree to the terms of your deal. How about Lupa? You can pick the spot after where we hurl shot glasses of tequila at unassuming Mexican couples. You know, switch things up a bit.

  Till soon,

  Elliot

  Elliot

  Mar 21, 10:28 AM

  Madeline

  Mar 21, 2:45 PM

  Mar 21, 2:46 PM

  Elliot

  Mar 21, 3:02 PM

  Subject: Stop calling my phone

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Fri, Mar 21 at 11:14 AM

  To: David Meyer

  I don’t check my voicemails because I am a human in the 21st century.

  Anyway, assume you were calling about Madeline. Had a good time. It was a little weird because we were meeting at Lupa but when I got there, Andy, Will, and Jess and a bunch of people were randomly there, so I sat with them for a drink. An
d then Madeline showed up and sat with us, and we never actually got our own table? But it was fun. (Jess liked her a lot, and she basically hates every girl I ever date, so that’s something.)

  Went to some show after, but she dipped out early because she has a normal-person job.

  Texted a little with that girl from Tinder after the show, but ended up calling it.

  Subject: Re: Stop calling my phone

  From: David Meyer

  Date: Fri, Mar 21 at 12:06 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  I appreciate the detailed play-by-play, but did you and Madeline make out? That’s really the only thing I ever want to know.

  Subject: Re: Stop calling my phone

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Fri, Mar 21 at 2:04 PM

  To: David Meyer

  There was a brief kiss goodbye, but I think the briefness was only b/c there were a lot of other people around and she doesn’t really strike me as the full-on public make-out type.

  She’s a real lady. I could use a lady.

  Subject: Re: Stop calling my phone

  From: David Meyer

  Date: Fri, Mar 21 at 2:05 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Sounds like The One.

  Subject: Re: Stop calling my phone

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Fri, Mar 21 at 2:08 PM

  To: David Meyer

  They’re always The One this early. But I do like her. Might even get crazy, call her on the phone this week.

  Subject: Re: Stop calling my phone

  From: David Meyer

  Date: Fri, Mar 21 at 3:01 PM

  To: Elliot Rowe

  Wow. Really going out on a limb.

  Hey, in your professional culinary opinion, what’s better: PinkBerry or Yogurtland?

  Subject: Re: Stop calling my phone

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Fri, Mar 21 at 3:06 PM

  To: David Meyer

  PinkBerry all day err day. I don’t fuck with that off-brand shit.

  Subject: polygamy hits the Northeast

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Fri, Mar 21 at 9:45 AM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Heya:

  Got your text. Sorry, I just shut my phone off and collapsed into bed. No, my exhaustion did not originate with me breaking my dry spell by having sex with Elliot in a coat closet . . . which is kind of impossible these days, actually. Unless you want to have sex in front of the coat check girl or with the coat check girl. Anyway: none was had.

  I show up at dinner (i may or may not have gotten a blow-out for this occasion.) Also wore the infamous date shirt that I wore with Rob. Maybe this is a dumb move but I choose not to think of it as “the shirt that started the relationship that nearly killed me” and more as “the shirt that started the relationship . . . ANY relationship.”

  So I walk into the restaurant and I’m wandering around like a total chump with a cafeteria tray because I can’t find Elliot ANYWHERE. So I ask the hostess if a guy came in and she shakes her head. I kind of assume I got the time or the place wrong, which is obviously unlike me, but then, from the end of this big long table, I hear my name.

  He was there with a group of about six guys and gals from his restaurant. Or other restaurants. I don’t know. All I know is I smiled and sat there and nodded while they all blathered on about how overrated David Chang is for 40 minutes and ooohh whoops, sorry, they had ALREADY ORDERED when I got there. I had to beg a side of fries and drinks off the waiter who had closed out the tab and clearly thought I was the a-hole. Elliot was at the opposite end of the table and I barely spoke to him.

  His friends were nice and I talked to some guy about what kinds of pans I should get for my apartment. I had to make instant friends with some chick because i was beyond starving and i thought, well: “We’re gonna get real close real fast, lady, because now I have to eat off your plate.”

  Emily, it was like i was speed dating or at some coworker’s birthday that I never signed up for. Everyone asking, “How do you know Elliot?” and then having to explain, to some chef he’s known forever, the same answer: “Um . . . he picked me up at a party a couple of weeks ago and now is pawning me off on you?” I’m sure I wasn’t very nice since I honestly didn’t expect to meet anyone new. But I tried to roll with it. At one point Elliot got up to go to the bathroom and squeezed my shoulders and then SAT BACK DOWN AT THE OTHER END OF THE TABLE. I kept checking my phone thinking there was a “sorry, long story” text waiting for me. Nada.

  Then, finally, everyone starts to motivate to leave and Elliot is like, hey, are you coming with us to the show? What? Huh? Whatever: band.

  So I said “Sure.” Walking over I kind of got stuck talking to a girl and two of his guy friends, laughing at jokes I didn’t get about people I had never heard of . . .

  Yeah. I lasted about 5 minutes at the show and then it occurred to me, you know what, Madeline? If this isn’t even a DATE, there’s nothing rude about me faking a work emergency and getting out of here. Not that we’re bf/gf, but if Elliot doesn’t have to—or even want to :(—make me a priority, I can fake a recipe emergency.

  I’m peeved. I don’t even know why. I feel like if I was a more chill human I wouldn’t even be mad? or would I be?

  Madeline x

  Subject: Re: polygamy hits the Northeast

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Fri, Mar 21 at 11:52 AM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Oh. My. Lord. One day (not today, mind you), you’ll look back on this and lauuugh and lauuugh.

  Sounds like something got sacrificed last night and it wasn’t a pig . . . it was Elliot’s chances with you. We knew he was a flightypants from day 1 though, right?

  Can’t believe he hasn’t called. Please hold, calling u as soon as I get my students to the lunchroom. x

  David

  Mar 24, 5:06 PM

  Elliot

  Mar 24, 5:15 PM

  David

  Mar 24, 5:17 PM

  Elliot

  Mar 24, 5:20 PM

  David

  Mar 24, 5:22 PM

  Elliot

  Mar 24, 5:26 PM

  David

  Mar 24, 5:27 PM

  Subject: Oh, Hello.

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 1:02 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  Hey Madeline,

  Remember me? It’s Elliot. We met at a restaurant, went out, made out a couple times. Not that anyone’s counting.

  Anyway. Not sure if you got my text (well, let’s be real: has anyone in human history ever “not” actually gotten the text? As much as I’d like to think that some yet-biologically-unclassified Text Monster came in and ate my message before you read it, I’m pretty sure that’s not the case), but in case you didn’t, just wanted to say I’d love to hang out again. I thought last week was pretty great, so I guess I’m a little confused by your radio silence?

  Obviously, if you didn’t have fun/you’re no longer into this/you met the man of your dreams and are getting married in Tahiti next weekend, that’s cool too.

  Actually, if you did meet the man of your dreams, just make up something more palatable. Like, you decided you’re into chicks now. Can’t argue with that.

  —Elliot

  ---------- Forwarded Message -------

  Subject: Oh, Hello.

  From: Elliot Rowe

  Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 1:02 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

 
; Hey Madeline,

  Remember me? It’s Elliot. We met at a restaurant, went out, made . . .

  Subject: [Fwd: Oh, Hello.]

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 1:06 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  agg. now i feel bad. I mean, yes, i wanted more than a text and this is what i got. but i slightly resent the idea that I’m the one who got this awkward train rolling . . .

  But very psyched to hear from him.

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Oh, Hello.]

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 1:14 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  awww. we like him again. I think you just want men to be smarter than they are, in which case yeah, he has a point: you should date women.

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Oh, Hello.]

  From: Madeline Whittaker

  Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 1:30 PM

  To: Emily Roberts

  Ha. I tried that for a day in college. But yeah . . . okay, i think i need to be more chill and less stringent and expand my horizons. Maybe i can start by not actively waiting for guys to disappoint me . . .

  Subject: Re: [Fwd: Oh, Hello.]

  From: Emily Roberts

  Date: Tue, Mar 25 at 2:40 PM

  To: Madeline Whittaker

  well, it’s good that you recognize this habit. I read his e-mail and think: he’s like a puppy you locked in the bathroom for peeing on the floor and he clearly has NO IDEA what he did or didn’t do. And now he’s whimpering to be let out.